Let’s talk about TRUST in a family, especially HOW TO REBUILD TRUST..
Broken trust is like a broken porcelain vase: very, very difficult to restore. The norm is for the family to continue to have doubts and suspicions for a long time. A cloud remains in the relationship, perhaps for years. There are some wise steps to take, however, that can make the best of the circumstance. Let’s look at this from the perspective of the one who has broken trust.
1. Confess the wrong to God and family. Confession brings a cleansing. We feel the lifting of the burden from our hearts. By confessing to our family (not necessarily to everyone in our family), we are owning up to the wrong we did and taking responsibility for it. This is necessary for our own spiritual and emotional welfare, but it is also the planting of a seed of trust that can grow.
2. Focus on growth. After you have confessed, you need to exert every effort to grow in spirit. You need to commit fully to being in the Word each day, to a consistent prayer life, and to a church family. Practice a walk with the Lord each day. Remember, your goal is spiritual maturity. Growth does two things: You become stronger and better able to overcome temptation; and, secondly, your family sees the direction of your life and is reassured that you have changed.
3. Communicate regularly with your family. Specifically, talk with the person you have hurt most. This includes talking about your desire to do what’s right, what you are doing to maintain your character, and how you are dealing with temptation. These conversations should be open and honest. They should not be a rehashing of the previous wrong that you did in the past, but of your commitment to being responsible now.
4. Be patient and understanding. Hurt heals slowly, and you have to allow the person time to gradually recover. Do not become angry if they do not heal as rapidly as you think they should. Remember, they did not create this situation. Encourage them and assure them you do not blame them for still having doubts.
5. Bathe your family with prayer. You want God’s healing for your family. You want God to guard you from anything that will destroy you. You want your family to be close. Prayer brings God and His power to work on your behalf. Pray fervently, and God will do great things in your home!
Dale Travis
These are good words, I have found in my past that they are true in my own experience. I find mostly that a man is trusted in direct proportion to his own trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. If that trust in Jesus is superficial,or pretensive,or motivated by the desires to secure my pride or to save my flesh, then the trust I recieve or place in others is likewise. Other people especially our family members can sense fake trust, and will not, I dare say they cannot honor it. As a man of God, leader of my Family, I can not afford to play the part of a man with such useless motives. The trust I place in God and the trust I allow others to place in me must be, and remain genuine. Or I will continually be trying to restore trust in my home, to no avail.
ReplyDeleteYour servant in Christ
Randy Weber
How do I as a wife, restore trust, when the man of my family, my husband is not working on it in that way. I read Randy's humble post, and he says he "can not afford to play the part of a man with such useless motives." What if that is the type of man that is the head of the home in my family? I know there is a lack of trust in my home, and wish that I could figure out how to do it without obtaining the full responsibility of being head of household, as I don't want to undermine my husband, even though he is not acting as the Godly man I wish he would be.
ReplyDeleteAs a divorcee I struggle to trust new people in my life...namely men. I find it very hard to have that blind trust in someone who has not yet earned my trust. As a follower of Christ I truely believe that He will bring me someone who is walking in His ways. However, I feel like I am trying to rebuild trust, in a sense, with someone whom I do not even know yet. How do we get past the trusts that were broken by one and move forward and be able to trust another? I want to find a man that lives the way Randy does...but am fearful that because of my scars from the past I may miss what the good Lord puts in front of me.
ReplyDeleteTrust is a huge factor with me as well. I have come to terms over the years to let go and let my trust issues be set a side until I learn more about a person. It's really hard to trust people after being hurt so bad in the past.
ReplyDeleteI know God has a plan and letting go of the past issues with trust will come in time. I just hope it's not to late.
To a divorcee I understand where you are at right now . I have been there too . I don't think that you should put a blind trust in someone you don't know very well .Take it slowly. In my experiance I had to pray and listen for answers from God. When I trusted God to be my best friend , father to my children ,my provider and my Father , then I filled the need for having a man in my life with having God in my life . It helped me to test waters with being able to trust man again. Then I met Randy .
ReplyDeleteIn Christ
Agnieszka Weber
To Anonymous above, who wrote: "How do I as a wife, restore trust, when the man of my family, my husband, is not working on it in that way." For the one who did not break trust but is wanting to trust the other, let me say:
ReplyDelete1. Start by being the best wife you can be. Follow the teaching of 1 Peter 3:1, that you change your husband not by urging him to change but by being a godly wife, trusting God will change him.
2. Pray for your husband to do what's right. God says, "Be sure your sin will find you out." Pray that if he does wrong you will know.
3. Thank him at those times he encourages, helps, listens, and shows he cares. Reinforce the right behavior instead of attacking the wrong behavior.
4. Have a support group -- a Life Group or other group of friends who will give you the acceptance and nurturing you need.
Bless you, and let me know if I can help personally.
Dale
Pastor Dale,
ReplyDeleteYou give great advice, thank you. You are somebody to be trusted. As for the rest of the blogs, might I say this, trusting in the holy spirit, Jesus, and God that your life will be turned from the place it is now to the place He has always meant it to be. I would not be alive except that God has a plan for me yet. I trust in his judgement, in his glory, and in his plan. When I need extra support I ask him to guide me and show me the way. In this behavior, I am honest and my family at home can come to me for guidance. My church family probably misses me as I haven't been there lately, I have been working too much, and now am sick. But I am available if they need me. I trust my Lord God my savior, I trust my church family, and I trust my family.
After divorcing it took me along time to trust anyone except my son and brother. Then I found the Lord stronger and he showed me lessons I needed to learn to become stronger in my trust of people and faith in Him.
God bless you all.
The sad part is we live in a time when trust is not very high on the priority list, it seems to me that people are more concerned about their outer appearence than their inner one. Speaking as a person that at one time caused a lot of pain for other people and not caring about trust it is refreshing to have that now and to realize how much easier life is.
ReplyDeleteMy husband actually received salvation before I did, but, he did not have a walk with the Lord until after I received salvation. In my desire to have my husband be the leader of our home, I would "talk" to him about being a leader, I would "tell" him about different teachings that I had heard about leaderhship. All of these ways were not of God and were only of my flesh, even though the thoughts may have been noble, my ways to achieve them were not !! God then showed me that I had to trust in Him and Him alone to do the same work in my spouse that He was doing in me, when I stopped all manipulation,( and yes, that was really what it was that I was doing), and allowed God to deal with my spouse, then the change began. I prayed for him on a daily basis to rededicate his life to the Lord and to take his place as the leader of our home. God so very graciously led my husband gently to a place that he could see his need for living completely for Jesus. My spouse turned his life over to the Lord to guide him in his everyday affairs, God also has given my husband wisdom and a perspective to be able to see the ways to handle situations that come up in our lives. This insight is often different than my view of the problem and this is a balance that was so very much needed in our lives. I can't say that it happened immediately, but, the change did start a few months after starting prayer for the leadership that was so needed in our home. At our Women of Faith conference, this very simple, yet profound word still echoes in my heart: If what you are doing is not working-STOP IT. That is exactly what the Lord led me to do in my situation with home leadership, stop what I was doing and allow Him to work it in His time and His way. Keep the praise and prayers going -
ReplyDeleteGod bless you
Thank you for your guidance Dale. I am so frustrated in my marriage because of the lack of commitment my husband is willing to put forth towards a church or a body of Christ. He doesn't want to hear about the messages at church, or what my teenage daughter is doing on Wednesday nights. He would rather I not go to a life group and even though he will say he doesn't mind if I go, I do get the distinct feeling that I would be made to feel bad if I did. I have been told in the past that If I care about our family I will not try to get involved in that "again". He doesn't want to hear anything about it, but will talk about God and doctrine as long as it isn't in a Church setting. He almost sounds sometimes as though he just wants to hear himself speak about it. When I was involved in another ministry he didn't like, I actually told him that I was going to do it whether he liked it or not, and I got all sorts of flack from it, and he still is very angry at me working a weekend even though he didn't want me to. I am torn between wanting to grow in Christ, and wanting to be involved, and not wanting to cause conflict in my marriage. My kids are important to me, and I want them to feel a part of a bigger family, but the fact he is not supportive of them in that arena, is very hurtful and negative in our striving to get to the point where we need to be.
ReplyDeletewhat are other scriptures to help the one who has been hurt to trust again? i am in a life group and it is helping. things have happened to postpone our wedding, and im trusting in God to be able to trust this person like i did before to try and get married at a later date.
ReplyDeleteSomething to share as a means of letting go and letting God. Through so many trials in my life and many of my own failings, I longed for a way to give them to God and not keep picking them up. So here is what I started doing many years ago. Do you remember the little prayer boxes? Instead get yourself a big one. Everytime things creep into your life that cause pain and turmoil -- write it out and place it in the box. But, here is the key-do not write it twice. Walk by the box when those old worries come back. Stick out your tongue and tell satan you gave it away. God will take care of it -thank you very much. Blessings-melissa mercer
ReplyDelete