In our Family Blog series we have focused on 3 key words: Trust, Time, and Talk.
This week we consider the word TRAIN. This means teaching, discipline, shaping another person's life in a way that is best. The word of God says, "Train up a child in the way he should go..." But how do we know "the way he should go?" And how do we train the child? Do we rebuke? Should we ground a child? Or what about "time-out?" And even tougher, what about paddling? Society says that is child abuse, yet it seems that children who are paddled are more obedient and live more productive lives. And there is one issue that is so hard to explain: the child who was taught and trained by godly parents but who rebelled anyway and has only brought sorrow to the parents' lives. So we ask.....is there a fool-proof method of raising a child? Can we prevent rebellion before it happens?
What comes to your heart on this issue? Have you experienced success.... or failure? Do you feel the need for greater wisdom here? What have you tried that worked? Should Christians accept the philosophy of modern society in how we train our children?
Post your comments, and we will share some of these in the message next weekend at Family Life. Your comments in past weeks have been excellent, and we look forward to reading them this week.
Dale Travis
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I personally believe today's society does not have a respect for the family, at all. I believe they are "in love" with the idea of everyone being individuals so much that they encourage parents to "talk" to their children in a "firm" but "not too firm" voice about their behaviors, as though that will change their actions the next time. Maybe for the docile, peaceful child, but not for the free spirited toddler who chooses to run away from Mom with no notice or warning. I believe that being "paddled" as a child taught me that there were consequences for my actions, and that those consequences involved some physical pain. (Which is why I tried not to do the same behaviors again: to avoid that pain) I think there is a limit to how much paddling should occur, but it can't be the same for each child, so how do we ask for advice when our children are all different? Time outs don't always work, and "firm scoldings" don't always work. Putting a child down, or insulting their intelligence or demeanor certainly doesn't work, but it is done over and over again to try and "control" the wild child. What my mom and dad did with myself and my sisters may not work with my daughters today. Support within families, extended family meaning church, social groups, whatever...is so important. There is very little of that anymore as the family tends to either branch out so much there is no family time, or enclose itself in a home trying to keep away from the evils of the world. I don't have the answer and I certainly would love to get some advice on how to "properly" raise my kids to be responsible adults without having to cause them physical or emotional pain, but if that were possible, we wouldn't be human. I think the point I'm trying to make is there are so many conflicting messages out in society today, it is impossible to pick and choose the right philosophy to "raising" your child. The Bible is the only solid "manual" that I can think of with positive results! I think there should be more parenting classes for all different ages of kids, and that more families should feel comfortable talking w/ a pastor, or a friend even, about the difficulties they are having, without fear of rebuke or judgement. If there is abuse (excessive physical harm, or mental trauma) people should be held accountable for that, but in a loving manner. I hate the system today that takes children away from their parents. I don't know what can be done for the parent that keeps harming their child, but I believe that there have been cases where the child was taken away from the parent and that was NOT in the best interest of the child. Anyway, I just want to love my kids into submission, lol. I hope that they grow up knowing that I love them unconditionally and I would do anything for them to provide a safe, stable environment. But if they sass me one more time!!!!!!!.... just kidding :) I love my kiddos...they truely are my gifts from God!
ReplyDeleteDisciplining children is a tough one. My husband and I have always spanked our children. That being said, I can count on one hand the number of times that I have ever had to spank my children. Children today seem so out of control. Everywhere I look I gasp at children’s behavior (really due to no fault of their own), with my friends kids, with my nieces and nephews. I look at kids that I would consider to be misbehaving, and then at the same time look at the parents and they really seem completely unbothered by it. Are they just used to it or do they not care??? I don’t understand. I have felt that I would be doing my kids wrong by sending them out into this world thinking that there were no consequences for breaking rules or that life was not full of disappointments and you just do not always get your way or what you want. Or even that if they just begged long enough or got angry enough, the bank would loan them money or the landlord would forgive their late payment……. I could go on and on, but that is not how it works. In fact, sometimes you rarely get your way with things. How are they going to make it in this world if they do not understand these points? Life is full of blessings as well, but you have to know how to handle yourself during the not-so-blessed times. If my kids could not or were not made to respect their Father and I, then how could we expect them to do the same to anyone else of authority or otherwise? My kiddos spend a lot of time being upset with us, but you know what? They get over it just as quick!! Hopefully they are better for it. I have no idea if my way is the right way or if there is even a right way…. But I am very proud of my kiddos!
ReplyDeleteShould Christians accept the philosophy of modern society in how we train our children?
ReplyDeleteNo way. There are so many conflicting ways to "raise or train" a child nowadays that parents get confused in trying to sort out what jargon they can from "notable" authors so they can "do the right thing" and be praised for it.
I don't like physically punishing my children. In fact I hate it. I avoid it as much as possible. I was physically punished as a child, and it left some scars that won't heal, but for the most part I think it helped me become a more disciplined adult. I see some things happening in my home with my kids that cause me great mental anguish, because I don't know how to approach it without being "mean" or overbearing. I feel that my husband and myself have done the best we can, but we are often not a united front when dealing with our teenagers hot headedness, or with our youngest daughter's free spirit. I believe the word of God is flawless, but we as humans are not, so we screw up what is said by interpereting it different ways until we flub it all up, and end up hurting ourselves trying to figure out what it means!
I know I have caused my parents sorrow by rebelling, but returned to them as a prodigal daughter asking for forgiveness. I am honest and open about my mistakes with them, and try to ask them for advice on what to do with my own children. Sometimes I discover that my mother's philosophies have changed about discipline, and she has experienced enough life, where she figured out what worked and what didn't with us. I believe what has happened with parents who physically discipline their children, is that they either form a group of friends who agree with their methods, or they hide the methods so that people with more "liberal" views won't call CPS on them. That is sad when we have to wait and make sure no one is watching before we scold our kids, for fear of losing them...
What has worked for me is being constant, and being consistent with my kids, and trying not to let them get away with things that might insure a "boundary" breach later on. With my older kiddo, we discuss rules at school, and rules at home, and I encourage her to be honest with me about things, instead of hiding them from me, so that if I find out she's been lying I won't go overboard. If she feels comfortable telling me the truth, she won't feel like she has to hide things. If she does choose to hide something or lie about something, I hope her conscience convicts her to talk to me about it so we can talk about it openly. That sounds pretty optimistic, but it's worked ok so far. I still haven't figured out what works with my youngest...maybe time will tell as her personality develops.
" I have felt that I would be doing my kids wrong by sending them out into this world thinking that there were no consequences for breaking rules or that life was not full of disappointments and you just do not always get your way or what you want. Or even that if they just begged long enough or got angry enough, the bank would loan them money or the landlord would forgive their late payment……. I could go on and on, but that is not how it works. In fact, sometimes you rarely get your way with things. How are they going to make it in this world if they do not understand these points?"
ReplyDeleteAmen sister!!! I agree fully with this statement!!!!!
My mother died when I was very so my father "attempted" to do the best he could. When I had my own child, it was very hard for to discpline her. I didn't have anyone to fall back on. I turned to God and asked for help. I am not sure I did the right thing all the time, but I did the best I could with what I had. I never spanked her, I did the grouding (taking her most prized item-her radio (music) away).
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is now a mother of twins and raising them with my help. I am grateful the Lord is allowing me to be hereto give her advice as a parent and for her to have someone to fall back on. Times are tough raising children, but with the LORDs guidence and prayers~~it ALWAYS turn out great in the end.
We truly have been blessed with obedient children, but it didn't always have the happy melody that we hear right now.
ReplyDeleteWe did paddle when they were young when necessary, such as outright fits of rudeness or running out in the street, etc. But we found that it became ineffective later on in the 5-8 years of age for a couple of reasons:
1) Our son had really angry temper tantrums and when we would resort to paddling, it just made him more irritable. We decided to start doing time out, plus explain that God was very sad when he acted that way. God had and still does have a very strong pull in his and his sister's lives. Little did we know that he actually had a brain tumor that was irritating his body and since he couldn't really talk well he had very little way of communicating with us other than all out fits. It turns out that the type of tumor he had was situated in the area of the brain called "the seat of emotions".
2) His twin sister didn't respond very well to paddling either. We used them when they were smaller, but not for long. Everything made her scream loudly and cry so spankings tended to make her scream even worse... and since we couldn't afford storm windows we decided to change our methods so the neighbors wouldn't think we were beating the daylights out of her. We found that time out or removing privileges such as TV or computer worked better on her in those later years and is still the method we use today in their teens. We would use a kitchen timer to gauge their time-out sessions. We were shopping at Mervyn's one day and I was buying some kitchen canisters. My daughter stumbled on a timer and said "Look Mommy.... Time Out!!". The customers around us just laughed and I said "Yes that IS a time out bell! We don't like time outs, do we?". "Nooooo" she said.
Today, they tease me when they say "Uh-oh.. MaMa's got THE LOOK!!". That "LOOK" has settled many a battle and even restaurant fits. I would take them to the restroom and simply get down on my knees and say "You are NOT going to act like that, do you understand me?" I'd get a very compliant nod and a polite "Yes, ma'am" and we'd return to our table and it was very peaceful. We've had patrons that have said "I wish more people would correct their children like that" many a times. Our reply usually was "And funny thing is, there was no spanking... only the LOOK". They'd laugh and say "Well, the LOOK works!".
Each family has to tailor their discipline to their own child, but discipline is a GIVEN. Children that interrupt their parents during conversations are rude, just as adults are rude when doing the same thing. When a child throws a crying fit in the store when they don't get a toy or candy... here's a novel idea... leave the cart, take the child by the hand, and LEAVE the store! Shopping can wait. It only took 1 time of us doing that, and the kids knowing that the result was going to be time out or loss of privileges... it didn't happen again.
We stress the importance of being Christ-Like in our actions and thoughts. They read it in the Bible (another GIVEN)every day. Since we homeschool, our lessons are all Christ-centered. Christ is the most important part of it all. He IS what life's all about. Training our children in the way they should go is Biblical.
I am very much looking forward to this weeks sermon! This is something that I stuggle with and as a single mom I don't have another opinion or someone to back me up on my decisions when it comes to my child and his behavior! I find myself on my knees almost daily trying to decypher what it is He wants me to do to handle the situations. My son has a terrible temper though and sometimes through all of his screaming its hard to hear how God expects me to handle the situation. His inconsistency makes it difficult for me to maintain consistency. I need an eye opener on what Christ expects of me as a parent so that I can show my child who is 6 what Christ expects of him.
ReplyDeleteWhen you think of train-you think of a train engine with many cars following on one track. If our leader is Jesus Christ, why are we not following His lead? He loves us and gently rebukes our miss led ways. Christ wants us to stay on track. Yet, Christ allows us to suffer from our miss led ways also. There has to be consequenses for wrong so we see we need change of heart. Sometimes, if we are blessed, we learn from others mistakes and do not follow that path. My husband and I raised three children. Two of the three rebelled and have since come back into the fold. After asking our adult kids what worked, these are some of their responses from their point of view.
ReplyDeleteKIDS- We always knew we were loved even though we were in trouble. Spankings worked, along with explaining why we were in big trouble. Our parents were strict but forgiving. They stood by us all the time. Absolutes were crucial- our home rules never changed and the consequenses for breaking them never changed. Both parents stood as a united front- if you pitted one parent against the other,you were in big trouble. Family time is the sweetest memories. (time together was daily-meals,ball, friends,church,board games,laughter....) We always knew that the door was open to return home. We saw and heard our parents pray for each other and for us. One of our sons thanked us for not allowing them to see and be directly around close relatives that had alcohol and serious addictions. He said,"thank you for breaking that generational sin." We heard our parents appologize for when they messed up.(They-the kids- got a free pass from consequences for the next time they messed up). We saw our parents love each other even when times were tough. Our parents limited what video games we were allowed to play and the amount of time allowed to play. We spent more time outside than in.
God has been the center focus since our kids grade school years. The one that rebelled the most had one parent sit in his room until he was ready to talk about problems. Part of the reason we all rebel is that we do not understand who we are in God's creation. The world ruled by satan always wants to show you the things you crave. Through the Holy Spirit,we can change what we crave.
If the home is Godly,loving,strong and accepting, kids will return to this when they find the opposit in the ungodly. We all crave unconditional love and acceptance-where you are going to find it makes the difference.
In closing, we as parents are not powerless. Prayer can change anything and everything. Even the way we as parents need change.
My wife and I have been blessed in this area.
ReplyDeleteGoing back to my own childhood, my father would whip me with a leather belt (usually in a rage) that would leave us hating him.
I have never spanked my wife's kids. Instead, we use reason to guide our children. Naturally, when that doesn't work the X-Box gets put in the closet for awhile, (or everything gets put in the closet.) However, I know this doesn't work for every kid.
We have taught our kids the "big picture." Meaning, the problems and solutions they face today will come up later in life. We have taught them the reason you make good grades in school, the importance of college, and the right path to follow concerning girlfriends and relationships.
I feel the problem with society is the parents don't challenge their kids hard enough academically or spiritually. And parents don’t spend enough time with their kids doing fun things. When I take my step-son out to play golf he’s on cloud 99 and his respect for me goes up through the roof. So, when I ask him about homework it’s already done.
Both kids are on the A/B honor roll…
Do your kids know why good grades are important? Have you showed your kids the right path to follow in life? Do they know why it’s important to wait for marriage to have sex? College?
I think that family has alot to do with how children act. What's the new saying? "Now a days it takes a whole family to raise a child"....I think that's how it goes. Anyway, my son is in kindergarden now and he is a model student. (knock on wood), he behaves very well in school and around other people. At home is a different story. he is not a bad kid, but we enforce many rules and try our best to train him in the rights and wrongs of life. We let hime make his own decisions and learn from them. So far it's working and I rarely ever have to discipline him. Wish someone would write a book on how to correctly raise your child, but I am sure there isn't one.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe there are any easy answers to how to raise a child to be a stand up citizen in society, but I will say that the only sure way to impress something good in them from a young age is through God. Not only through prayer for yourself as a parent asking for the Lord to guide you in how to handle certain sitations or give you the right words in a discusion, but also to make sure your child has his or her own relaionship with God.
ReplyDeleteThat's how we look at raising our son anyway. I have no problem with a paddling when it is needed as long as it's within reason and not out of anger. I'm sure when he is old enough for groundings it will come into play, but not in a way that separates him from the rest of the family, barracaded in his room like a prisoner. I hope these aren't things that have to be inforced a lot. I think that if my son has a close relationship with Jesus then he will think before he acts or speaks unkindley to someone. More of a preventative aproach I guess you could say. Communication is probably the best form of disipline with whatever route a parent chooses to go with. Don't talk down to your child for doing wrong. Not to be disappointed in the child, but disappointed in the choice they have made.
Raising a child is the most important charge that God gives us. Being a gift from God a child should be raised in his light. It's not an easy task. I raised two daughters, I found that although I raised them with the same principles, I had to deal with each of their unique personalities differently. What worked for one, definitely didn't work for the other. Sometimes I was accused of "loving the other best" Not best, just different. I have been so blessed by God, both are now beautiful young women, Mothers, and wives. I was firm enough to be "Mother", but soft enough to be "Friend". Now that they are grown, I am doubly blessed because they are my best friends. I now have Grandchildren, they are God's blessing for not beating my daughters to death when they were teenagers. Spank them, Yell at them, and Ground them when necessary, but always, always, always do it because you love them, not because you are angry with them.
ReplyDeleteI was raised in a loving family for the most part I was spanked and punished for things I did wrong. We also went to church and Mom did the best that she could. I am not sure where the rebellion in me came from or what went wrong but 1 cor 15:33 happened to me, Bad company corrupts good character. To make a long story short I went to prison, did terrible things to my family whom only wanted to help me and destroyed peoples lives to support my addiction. But for the grace of God did He pull me out of the pit that I was in. It is my opinion that even though I strayed from the path that I was on growing up, God's word never left the deepest places in my heart and when I was ready to surrender to self will He welcomed me home with open arms. I encourage anyone who has problems with there children to learn tough love in situations like mine. My family almost literally loved me to death. I am so grateful to my God to the life that He so freely gives me today and for leading me to family life. I truly feel as though He has big plans for my mom and I. It is weird to feel that greatness building up in you to do more for the Lord than what you can even comprehend. I love you family life church!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad this topic was chosen. I have had a hard time going back and forth on this issue. Honestly I have decided that GOD will show me how to train my children. I am open to trying new methods of training to find out if that is the way GOD wants me to train my children. Thanks for sharing all of your thoughts and giving me such a great insite on this subject matter.
ReplyDeleteThe two things I know for sure:
ReplyDelete1. You have to raise your children up in the ways of the Lord.
2. You have to use your brain. "Because I said so," and, "do it or else," doesn't work when your kids get older. You have to do the intelligent thing - whatever that might be. Your kids will respect you more for making the smart decisions.
Ok, wow! This one is really hard for me. It's so very hard when the parents don't agree on this subject. My children's father, well, he just didn't care one way or the other. So the old saying, "Wait til your father gets home!" meant nothing to my children. My children were 2,7 & 12 when their father and I divorced. He immediately remarried and their stepmother decided that she needed to be their friend instead of an authority figure. I later remarried and my husband was strict. Sometimes, I thought too strict. And with that and the fact that I felt I had to continually compete with the stepmother, my kids are so messed up!!
ReplyDeleteMy oldest daughter left her senior yr to live with her dad and stepmother. She is now living with her boyfriend and recently lost a baby due to a tubal pregnancy. They are poor and neither has any ambition to make things better.
My son, at age 14, chose to move in with his father as well. What was I doing wrong? I tried so hard to be a good mother. But obviously, I was doing something wrong. My son's father introduced him to marijuana. Now at age 20, he is living with his girlfriend, scraping by, recently evicted, and has no ambition.
So, I'm left with my youngest daughter, now age 15. Somewhere along the way I discovered what it was I was doing wrong. God was not the head of our household. So, even though she and her stepfather don't always see eye to eye, she is doing good and is growing to be a great woman of God. She has seen the mistakes of her siblings and has no desire to be where they are. My husband thinks I'm too easy on her. Maybe I am. I just know that instead of striving to be "super mom", I'm striving to be an obedient woman of God. That in itself, makes me a good mom.
Several years ago I was head cashier at a store and there was a woman shopping with her small son. In the time they were there, the little boy was allowed to run wild throughout the store, at times several isles over from his mother who seemed to be completely oblivious.As the mother finally began to check out, the boy ran out the front door several times, the mother would stop, run after him and swatt him on the rear, turning to the other people whom she was holding up in line she said "I don't know why he acts like this!. and maybe it wasn't my place but I had to say " He acts like that because he can,the entire time you've been here you have allowed him to run wild, unsupervised all over the store and now you want him to behave, he's a young child and is confused, your the parent and you are responsible for his behavior. The other customers nodded in agreement. Nonabusive spanking has it's place but should not be used as the only means of dicipline. When rules, boundries and discipline are consistant, the older the child gets the less spanking is nessary. We have spanked our children but they are very well behaved and the spankings have been very few. We have no regrets about how we've raised our children the've turned out great. We are blessed.
ReplyDelete